Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Donald Trump Proposes New Wall to Keep out Hurricanes

Donald Trump speaking at a rally for citizens who were unable to attend college, as they misinterpreted SAT as a past-tense verb.

GREENVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA (CDN) — Donald Trump, amidst criticism for refuting climate change as a serious threat, tweeted his concern for South Carolina, as the state was recently ravaged by the passing Hurricane Joaquin.

"Thoughts and prayers for those in the floods affecting the great people of South Carolina", Trump tweeted.

During yesterday's rally — held at the recently opened and ironically named Dylann Storm Roof Center near Greenville, South Carolina — Trump announced an addendum to his plan for a "Great Wall", potentially separating Mexico from the United States.

"This plan is genius. You can ask my friends in China, you can ask all my Muslim friends; they've never heard of a plan so ingenious. If you liked my wall idea, wait 'til you hear this one. I just thought of it this morning. I woke up and told Marla — I mean Melania about this dream I had. It...it came to me, just like that!", Trump rambled on.

After continuing the rhetoric of how great his plan was, Trump finally revealed the specifics, "Okay, get this: So I'm gonna build this wall, right? This wall is gonna keep the Mexicans out. Then I'm gonna extend this wall to cover the entire East Coast. These hurricanes, they come into our country. They're bringing floods, they're bringing earthquakes. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good storms."

Following his proposal, Trump took questions from the audience. One woman asked, "Will this wall reverse climate change?" Trump responded, "We’re going to be looking at a lot of different things, and you know, a lot of people are saying that, and a lot of people are saying that bad things are happening out there. We’re going to be looking at that and plenty of other things."

[Alex Balgobin, Cultural Diffusion Network]

Sunday, October 4, 2015

43% of Republicans Believe Pope Francis is Muslim, CDN Poll

Image Source: Mike Luckovich of The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

BACKWASH, ALABAMA (CDN) — According to a new poll, conducted by the Cultural Diffusion Network, approximately 43% of surveyed Republicans believe Pope Francis is actually a follower of the Islam religion.

100 registered voters to the Republican Party were surveyed outside of the James Earl Ray Arena, following a Donald Trump rally held in some backwash town in Alabama that our reporters had difficulty traveling to, as it was not labeled on Google Maps.

We were reluctantly able to interview one of the surveyees, named "Gubba" by his Icelandic grandparents. When asked what religious denomination Pope Francis belongs to, Gubba responded, "That commie sum-a-b****? He sure as hell ain't Christian, speakin' that 'ching-chong, Paki' language, preachin' 'bout welfare. I hope Trump sends his ass back to Ghana with Barack Hussein Obama and all them other Mexican Muslims!"

When asked several follow-up questions such as: "Are you aware that the Pope has been speaking Spanish during his Catholic sermons because he is from Argentina?", "Do you believe China, Pakistan, Mexico, and Ghana are on the same continent?", "Didn't Jesus support welfare?", "Are you aware that President Obama was raised Christian and born in the United States to a Kenyan father?", "Did you know that Kenya is over 82% Christian?", and "Have you ever actually met a non-Caucasian person in your entire life?", Gubba declined to answer.

Pope Francis had visited the United States for the first time in the past week, leading sermons for millions of Catholic viewers worldwide. We reached out to the Vatican for a reaction to our report; they responded with, "Islam and Christianity? Same God, different s***."